Effective Communication and Conflict Resolution

                                                                   By Lisa Martin

I am enjoying mastering the art of effective communication, and would love to apply some of my recent lessons on nonviolent communication, the three R’s and the third side to current disagreements or conflicts. Fortunately, I have not been involved in any disagreements in months, which is especially hard to believe when you take into consideration I have been married for more than twenty years.  I think this has more to do with not working and having limited interaction with others outside the home, and less to do with my communication skills. I know of conflicts and disagreements around me, but am not involved first hand.  I will for this assignment take the part of one of the main characters in a conflict brought to my attention today by a friend. Like they say on television, the stories are true but the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Every year the church has a Father’s Day celebration for the Pastor, a dinner usually at the home of a member with several families from the church attending. This year they decided to do something different and have a catered affair. Aretha and I have organized the event and gotten a caterer we know to give us a huge discount, so it will only cost $25/person. We also have to cover the cost of the Pastor’s family which would be an additional $100. We suggest that each of the five families attending, contribute an addition $20, and immediately get two cancellations. Now there is a big disagreement because the members do not want to pay for the Pastor’s family. Aretha has offered to pay the entire $100, but I am opposed to this because it is not fair to her. At this point we are simply trying to contain and hopefully resolve the situation with the next forty-eight hours.

One thing I realize right away is that we should have asked the families for suggestions and if each of them donating twenty more dollars was a feasible option, but we presented it more as a demand not giving any other option. We also failed to give any consideration to the possible validity of their opposition to paying for the Pastor’s children.  We never went to the balcony to get a new perspective. We are calling another meeting to discuss the arrangements and asking that the families that dropped out, and others who may want to participate also attend. We will assume the third side, asking open ended questions and seeking other ideas to cover the cost. We will also discuss the pros and cons of paying for the Pastor’s children. I think that once we openly discuss this rather small issue and hear the reasons for the objections, and respond to them with compassion and honesty we will be able to reach a compromise and resolve the situation. Rather than control the meeting Aretha and I will serve as objective mediators and bridge the gap to compromise, serving as peacemakers.